1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
