Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
