My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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