i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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