I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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