The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
This is the high leading the old right now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This baby is an asshole
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
