If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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