I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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