How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
