Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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