Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
