i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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