The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize