Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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