Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
