"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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