I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
