you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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