seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
