I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
