you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
