mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Pooping to opera.
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