i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize