I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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