3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You took a bar mat shot.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
