So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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