I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
