What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
