Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize