where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
