I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
