Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize