My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
