Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
