if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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