when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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