Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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