when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
