I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
