I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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