Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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