So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
