I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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