Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
