Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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