Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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