we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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