There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
