Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
