Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
