Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
