why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
