I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
