my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
