when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize